Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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