How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
