Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
