Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
