Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
