I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
