Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
