Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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