I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
