Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
