It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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