Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize