After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
