I accidentally had phone sex last night
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
