im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
