I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
