I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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