I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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