We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
