I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
