made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize