Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
