Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
