I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
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