why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
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