Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
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