my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
