Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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