there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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