ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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