I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
