It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Randomize
