even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
