Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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