Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
