they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
