pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
