All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
