No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
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