Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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