if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
