pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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