Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize