i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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