I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
