i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
she peed on how many people?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I could fuck to npr.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
