he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Drunk is a universal language darling
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
