my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
