I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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