I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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