so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
