You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
