I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
