Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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