I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize