i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
