Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
